Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
