i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
