If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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