I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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