I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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