Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
