I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
