I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
