i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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