Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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