I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
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