Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
