Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
We need a shit load of segways right now
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
