I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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