Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
