Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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