life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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