I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
