Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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