Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
