I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
