I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
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i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
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I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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