Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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