I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You ruined the universe
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
