i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just had sex on a roof
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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