All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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