Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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