just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I look excited, but its just a facade.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
