So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
