if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
