I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
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She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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