i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
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I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
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You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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