my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
