Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
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The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
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Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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