I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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