Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
