We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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