My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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