I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The uberlube is also flammable
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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