Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
