She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
