We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
