The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
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He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
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