my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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