is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
