a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
