too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
