I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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