Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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