I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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