god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
