Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
