you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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