Yo dont text me then not text me
I faked an abortion last night.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Randomize
