I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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