i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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